“Hey, Little Brother”

Recently, I stumbled upon a photo of myself taking a picture of the sun setting on my husband’s phone.  It immediately caught my eye because I was unaware of him taking it at the time. I might be a little obsessed with taking sunset pictures and my family knows it.  My daughter says I post too many sunsets on social media, but friends, I just can’t help myself! I’ve never met anyone who didn’t enjoy a beautiful sunrise or sunset. For me, there is something very magical about the sun setting.

It’s the place where I find I can hang my reflections of the day that is closing before my eyes, but more than that, it is the place where I can hang my hopes and daydreams of what tomorrow will hold.  

Often times, when I’m watching the sunset, I think of my brother.  He committed suicide four years ago. I wish he could’ve seen his last sunset with hope instead of hopelessness. If you’ve experienced such a loss, I think you will agree with me when I say it is like no other. Suicide leaves those left behind in a state of complete disbelief.

My sweet brother was the last person you would’ve ever thought would take his own life.  He was always happy and positive, and loved the Lord with his whole heart. He also loved and cherished his devoted wife, their precious little boy, and their unborn son. So much so, that he believed the lie of the deceiver (Satan), that somehow everyone would be better off without him.

At times, I’m so angry with my little brother for believing this lie, I think if I saw him, I’d want to physically attack him and give him the good old fashioned whooping I think he deserves. 

If you know me, you may be chuckling at this because you know I’m vertically challenged and not exactly the fist fighting type, but it’s how I feel at times. 

I can still remember our last embrace as if it were yesterday, so with that, there are other times I long to hug my little brother (who was not so vertically challenged at 6’2”) just one more time.  He gave the best hugs and always picked me up off the ground for added affect, and of course to show me who was really in charge.

There are other times I think about what it would be like to call him on the phone to catch up.  Like always, the conversation would begin the same…“Hey, Little Brother”, and he’d always reply “Hey, Big Sista”, and then I suspect I’d launch into a commentary that might go something like this…

I’ve missed you so very much!  I’ve replayed our last moments together over and over looking for any clue as to why you felt you needed to leave us, and no matter what I come up with, it still doesn’t make sense to me.

You always seemed so happy and positive and you were dearly loved by everyone who knew you.

I can’t believe you haven’t been here for the changing of the seasons, so many holidays, birthdays, weddings, graduations, and even funerals.

I can’t believe you weren’t here with me for the homecoming of a very troubled family member that you and I both agonized over all of our lives.

And, I can’t believe you haven’t been here to love on and protect your precious son and wife. Their pain is something I can’t even begin to imagine, and I know it’s beyond anything you could’ve possibly imagined when you made the decision to take your own life.

I can’t believe you weren’t here to see your beloved Clemson Tigers win the National Championship within a few weeks of you leaving us and then once more since you left.  Just so you know, and in honor of you, I still exclaim “Go Tigers” at every kick off.

And, I really can’t believe you weren’t here to see the Chicago Cubs win the World Series.  You watched them and waited on that win your entire life.

I’m sorry for the time I tied you upside down to the swing set with your own shoe laces…I still think you should’ve been able to figure that one out.

I miss you so much, I ‘d even eat spam with you on your birthday, even though I’m still a little salty at times over you requesting it for every birthday meal when you could’ve had anything else you/we wanted;

And, Little Brother you’ve missed the sunsets. I see you in every one and I can’t help but wonder when you last enjoyed one yourself…I wish we’d shared it.

I suppose I could go on and on with all of the things, some serious and some not so serious, I would want to share with my brother.  Most of all, I would want to know why he believed the deceiver’s lies?  John 10:10 says the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, but Jesus came to bring life and life more abundantly. 

I know my brother and anyone else that has made this type of decision was in extreme emotional and even perhaps physical pain at the time. I have two dear friends that have shared with me their previous attempts to take their own lives. I thank God on a regular basis they were spared.  I can’t imagine this world without them.  They are both making a tremendous impact on the lives of those around them. 

I pray if you are reading this and have ever had thoughts of, or are currently having thoughts of taking your own life, that you, my friend, will believe me when I say to you, you are good enough just the way you are, you are loved, no one could ever replace the impact you have on the lives of those around you, and there is always someone that will listen, there is always a better day ahead, and finally if the deceiver is telling you anything different it is, in fact, a LIE!

Jeremiah 29:11, clearly tells us, the Lord has plans for us, and those plans are to prosper us, not to bring us harm, and to give us a hope and a future.

I hope the next time you see a sunset it will remind you that the same God that created you and I, created the beautiful and amazing sunset before you, and if he can do that, his power and majesty are greater than any earthly troubles you or I may be facing.  Let it be the place where you join me in hanging your daydreams and allow it to be a visible promise that the best is, in fact,  yet to come.

If you, or if you think someone you love is contemplating suicide there is help available through the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.The Lifeline provides 24/7 free and confidential support for people in distress, and they provide prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones. They can be reached at 1-800-273-8255, or you can visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org.